i'm nobody, who are you

so my graduation present was a trip abroad, but of course I let my mom do all the planning, so here I am in a remote corner of Scotland, followed by Glasgow for a week.

We took three planes and a car ride to get here--my dad is only bad at driving on the other side of the road when there's a traffic circle, or the sheep decided to frolic across the road, which is more often on both counts than you might think.

I'm pretty exhausted--having already spent a week in RI and vicinity this trip seems very very long to me right now. We'll see how it actually turns out to be. For this moment, I would like to register my approval of baby sheeps and my dislike of jetlag. That is all.
Goodnight.

mostly false alarm on the sex. although. there are some insecurities we need to work out.


i got my hair chopped off and i don't know how i feel about it yet.  it was very traumatic going back to that supercuts, as it was the same place that the day bvefore ninth grade started was told to make my hair shoulderlength and cut it to my chin. grrr argh. they cut it a  little shorter than i wanted again, but that happens since it is wavy and looks longer than it is when wet...

dan is working two jobs, basically, which is probably going to amount to at least fifty hours a week. this is dumb.

this weekend:
1. new computer, possibly. so sick of old one breaking.
2. jules' bday! woot!  am excited.
3. sleep?
4. working out.

...that i'm just pms-y and that hearing that stupid matchbox 20 song was just a coincidence, and that the fact that dan and matt are like the same person in a million bullshit indecisive ways actually doesnt reflect on me at all.
but it is possible that i pick men who can't hold their own lives together--i don't want to mother my boyfriend anymore.


also i feel unwanted, which is stupid but there it is---the other night i dressed up all sexy, and dan reacted oddly, and the sex was ok, but since then its been...oh wait, there hasn't been any. this could be a coincidence, or it could not be a coincidence because we haven't gone this long all summer.
i don't even know how to bring it up. like, the other day i talked a lot about my escapades and he was generally happy and turned on rather than otherwise, but he hasnt tried any of the things we talked about...or...um...anything else.
gah.
the end.


also my fucking laptop charger broke. again.

...for my kids might come back today, or Monday. 
I would be a hundred percent happy with all of the management conversations that have been had with me and how much everyone gets on me for my classroom style if I didn't know for sure that none of it will matter if magically my scores come back fabulous.  In that case, it won't matter if my room is a zoo, and that makes me really sad. I wish it was about making me a better teacher, and that's the spirit I try to take it in, but...argh.

Also, my blood pressure is high and I got a panic attack. That's bad, right?

its not that i don't love you or even that i don't have time--i just find writing about myself selfindulgent. i don't know. its my birthday, and i hate that, so maybe today isnt the best day to decide--having an lj is a good record of the past but i don't need to write anything down, right now.


though i say that, and it feels sad: writing things down is important. the problem is just that i don't remember why...

...three hours later  i owe the IRS a measly $55. I'd honestly rather owe more, then the work would feel worth it!
Baseball tonight.

...i signed it!
Am still a teacher.
Mildly pleased? Maybe? Unsure.

Life is far and away too busy, and my brain hurts.
The end.

soo much grading, so little time. my soul hurts.

today, dan said, tired enough that he had no filter, "i never want to be away from you for this long again." This was in the middle of a kind of sticky convo in which I jokingly asked him not to move to Poland as the boyfriend of a mutual friend may do, and then he commented that he wants to live abraod "but not any time soon" which was supposed to mean i didn't have to worry about it, and then i said it didn't matter to us and he was like "of course it does" and it was all a bit sticky for a minute. The upshot is.....question mark?

Spring break was a mess of my 87 year old grandmothr falling on her head--she's fine, but we couldn't leave her alone so it wasn't the most relaxing thing ever. Then I hung out with my godmother and we established that my mom is...problematic but loveable. Wheee.

loving someone who loves you seems so totally impossible: with so many people in the world, how does that happen?
Yesterday, I finally got some stuff off my chest, some stuff about Matt that I hadn't gotten through. Being further in with Dan than I ever was with Matt is a weird thing, since I am stil ltotally convinced thta I could have married Matt and been happy...if I'd never known about this, or even if I had. I don't know. I do know I'm happy, and I'm not in love with Matt anymore, but I cried talking about it yesterday, and they were Matt-tears, not at all related to Dan.

I don't want to lose anymore--its too hard.

so far in today's "Dollhouse"...

They heard Eliza Dushku liked to be undercover, so they put an undercover assignment in her undercover assignment, so she could be undercover while she was undercover!

(and there were stripper clothes.)

...sort of dead.
more after.
if still around at all and not dead.
gah.

I just saw "Revolutionary Road," which was both devastating and probably the best movie I've seen in years. The premise, for those who don't follow the movies, I guess, is this couple whose marriage is basically based on the idea that they're special, somehow more or better than their suburban neighbord in 1950s America. The wife, April, wants to do something really big and special with her life.

I found her character not infuriating but just totally sad. Ithink I was supposed to identify, but I guess it bothers me that, by the standards of this movie--despite its 1950sness--as well as by the standards of today, what I want isn't much. There were other characters who tried to show her the happiness in not much, and it wasn't that she couldn't see it. She just...didn't want it.

I think I'm entirely ordinary.

i just miss telling you random things.

...i'm laughing while I cry, a little. Some things will remain no matter how much we want to erase them.

And as for the rest, I'm in love and I'm lonely, but one of those makes the other almost sweet.

What do you want to read about? And how many people are truly left on LJ? I thought about moving to blogspot, or permanently to tumblr, but I don't want to give this up.

had to report a kid to CPS, plus also this week we have an early dismissal day AND a day when they take a math test all day.  Later, I have class 6-9, get to talk to Dan one last time before he goes overseas, want to work out, GAH. I literally have no time to eat. oh dear.

....tutoring, walking, football with the boys, a short nap during said football, dinner, and now home to watch tv and think about working but not work.  this works because this is what sundays are always like.
134 days til I see Dan...woot?

I understand that I am absurdly lucky to have anyone like my boy in my life.  I feel pretty frankly awful bitching all the time and I know I'm being boring about it.  So I think I'll just bitch in LJ more, and you can just skip it...
"bitch" is the wrong word, because I'm not angry...I'm just scared that somehow when he gets back things will be different.

I want to lose twenty pounds between now and then, at least, and am struck--once again--by how crappily losing weight goes when you attempt to do it sanely, at least for me.  I have walked the outer loop (2.8 miles) four times so far this week.  I have eaten lightly, I have drunk water. And I have lost....a pound. maybe.  Compare, for the record, to when I was not eating at SLC, and could easily lose 2.5-3 pounds in the same time period. 

Hurray for having fucked up my metabolism permanently and beyond belief!  I'll stick with it.  My master plan is that once I have lost ten pounds, I will add Pilates/sculpting back into my routine as well.  At least it will keep me busy.  I am going to ask my parents for a treadmill when I move to my next place.

Even if I lose twenty pounds--and I know that as long as I didn't gain much more, Dan wouldn't even notice let alone care in a negative way what my weight is--I am still scared things willsomehow be different.  Not that we won't WANT to love each other...just that somehow, one of us...won't.

And all of that is warring in my head with the simple thought that I'm pretty sure this could be it--I've said it before but Dan is so much more and better for me than anyone before him...somehow it just works.  But I'm enopugh of a cynic to think that even if he's right for me and I am for him, I'll fuck it up somehow.

So this morning, I'm at Saturday School, and kid is doing worksheet, and I am here and I am scared.

PS Caroline thank you for putting up with/taking care of me when I broke down six times (!) in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Britton."

...I had trouble getting myself out of bed this morning: I'm a little sick and I thought I was better yesterday and pushed myself too hard.  I had fun though, watching football with Lax and we picked Kevin up at the airport.  Dan and I exchanged emails and today I get to go and buy a mic so we can talk on Skype.  Does anyone else have Skype?

Julie, I need to raincheck for tonight, love--comment and let me know you've seen this.  Tomorrow is good.

Right now I'm working on cleaning up my room and then, at home, in no special order:


1. Lesson planning
2. Papers into folders for kids
3. Clean living room
4. Go for walk
5. Call doctor's office
6. Go to Best Buy
7. Bank
8. Drop off present
9. Fill scrip
10. Thank you notes
11. Email diagnostician stuff for BT

GAH life has lots of little parts.

A

...bowl game...bowl game! Dan and I made the jumbotron and were in the first row for much of it. In the endzone. We drank much wine and ate tasty good food at the alumni tailgate, and then I bought him a legal beer...I persist in getting carded, while he never ever does. Yesterday we got breakfast at House of Pies, ran errands, went to the basketball game, watched Veronica Mars, and had a lovely, low-key New Years. This morning, I drove him to the airport--and I won't see him til close to the end of May.

There are a lot--a ton--of things that will happen between now and then. But I think we're going to be ok.